Emotional Roller coaster

This post is probably too personal but why is that not surprising! I can't keep anything a secret...

In May, Bryan and I decided to stop taking birth control. I was having some complications on it and my risk for breast cancer were increasing and we thought well why not start trying for a child. We said that half jokingly. Well one month later I took a pregnancy test just for fun and it came back positive. I was hyperventilating and crying. I know this sounds horrible but the first thought was my life is over. Bryan was thrilled. I could not believe it. I was like no way, how is this possible. After taking 10 test I was finally convinced. 

When I went home to New Jersey my family asked me if I was pregnant yet and I was like yes. They were all so excited and started crying and it made me excited to have a kid.  When I flew home to Florida I had my first doctor's appointment. We did an ultrasound and the Dr said there was no heart beat and the baby was measuring small. He said he was concerned and would do another ultrasound in 1 week. Then, he gave me the speech about a miscarriage and I started to cry. Bryan was at work and his phone died so I instantly called my mom and sister. I could not hold it in. I knew I was going to miscarry and every time I thought about it I would cry. I went home crawled into bed and cried all day. Bryan joined me shortly later and just cried as well.

That week was the longest week of my life. I started to bleed really bad and have horrible cramps and I knew what was going on. The worst part- I was at work and my patients kept yelling at me and I had to try so hard not to loose it. 

Finally 1 week later, Bryan and I went to my ultrasound and again there was no heart beat and the size of the baby did not grow.  The doctor said the baby passed away around 5 weeks and it was not my fault. It was nature's way of things. I knew that to be true but it was so hard not to think I ate something, had too much stress or should of not had those horrible thoughts of my life is over!  

The doctor gave me some medications to help my uterus contract. Let me tell you, it was the WORSE pain of my life. I felt like I had a glimpse of labor contractions. I was in bed for 3 days, drugged up on pain pills with a very loving and compassionate husband to comfort me.  The hardest part of it all was knowing that I just flushed my child down the toilet.  

I know one day I am going to look back on this experience and think it was all for the best and everything worked out in the end. BUT right now I am mad and mostly sad. There is song by Maroon 5 called SAD and he says, "I am scared to death that there may not be another one like this."  I constantly think that.  

Its been 1 week since I lost the baby and I can finally talk about it without crying. These last 3 weeks have been the worse emotional roller-coaster of my life. One minute I would have hope for my baby and the next minute reality would set in and I would cry. I decided women are the strongest people I know.  Bryan and I decided our little baby was a boy and we named him peanut.  

The only good thing about this experience was Bryan said I needed some retail therapy and bought me a beautiful purse-which I will be honest did make me much happier.